Memorize This

Pick your Poison | @hipster-riku

hipster-riku:

myshownow:

I thought you preferred guys, so why does it matter?

For a moment, Axel considered his own words before lightly biting his tongue as they walked.  He had no proof, just a hunch.  Or a feeling, although maybe it had only been a reflection of his own hopeful perspective at the time.  Riku had not only been a friend who’d hung out with him but also one who had listened, which was strange for a high school guy, at least in Axel’s experience.

And he could be completely off-base.  How many homosexuals were as masculine as Riku, after all?  The rumors about Riku and that kid with the girly name — Siri or Sara or something Axel had never bothered to memorize — didn’t necessarily have to hold much weight, considering who he’d originally heard them from.

Axel neglected to bring himself into the equation when it came to demeanor, perhaps purposefully despite the unconsciousness of the oversight.

“Fine,” he murmured instead, eyes down on the sidewalk in front of him.  Out of his peripheral vision, silver lingered almost teasingly.  Or perhaps it was simply a mocking reminder of a time long past.  

“You know her.  Always popular with guys.  Not much’s changed.” 

Except that Tifa knew about him, had somehow guessed, and that meant Axel had to silently endure good-natured teasing day-in, day-fucking-out whenever they were alone together.

The pair came to an impasse, a building blocking their way.  Axel turned, fully expecting just to cross the street at the same devil-could-care pace he’d taken departing the tattoo parlor.  What he hadn’t expected was to end up meeting Riku’s gaze full-on, staring into intensely aquamarine eyes that knew — knew more than maybe Axel had even ever said out loud.  He obviously hadn’t expected to meet that gaze and find himself at a loss for words.

He couldn’t look away now, he’d learned that much from his father.  Being the first to drop your gaze implied weakness of some sort, possibly cowardice or dishonesty.  So Axel stared, and he remembered and finally, after a pregnant moment, he also spoke.

“Are you hungry,” he asked, words softer than he’d anticipated, eyes still unknowingly sharp in their intensity, a strange contrast to the sound of his own voice now. “Or,”  There was a hesitant quality to his tone, embarrassing as it was involuntary.  ”…where did you want to go?”

Riku nodded, unsurprised, as the memory of a raven beauty, lithe limbs and smooth movements, more woman than girl, conjured in his mind. Without a doubt, Tifa had it all, brains, beauty, and brawn. She could have easily come off as intimidating in all of her flawlessness, but those soft doe eyes, lined thick with lashes, the smile that lingered on honey pink lips, and the easy, unassuming laughs that readily accompanied playful banter gave men, lesser and greater, the confidence to approach her. Riku had tried, tried to understand why Tidus and Wakka, like many of their male peers, were so enamored by the dark-eyed girl. He’d looked at her once. Then twice, three times, and so on, wondering when or if he’d feel something beyond a cursory, and rather objective appreciation of her charms.

What Riku had also failed to understand, was why the adoration he apparently should’ve held for Tifa was instead, projected onto her redheaded brother. Being different was something highschoolers naturally tended to shy away from, and Riku was certain his own set of preferences weren’t the good sort of different, either. Axel had never indicated much interest in females, but the issue was explained away, in Riku’s mind, by Axel’s vague interest in people in general. And yet the question had refused to die, lingering in the back of Riku’s mind, and at times, at the back of his throat.

There were moments that left the silver-haired teen wondering, where green would confront aquamarine in the most awkward of ways, the air rife with something unspoken. The events that followed generally involved Axel opting to look anywhere but Riku’s face when he addressed him. What are you so afraid of? Riku wanted so terribly to press. You’re not afraid of anything, so what are you so afraid of? Only the fear of rejection and a desire to preserve the status quo kept his inquires in check. It wasn’t long after, when Riku’s attentions were redirected towards a more reciprocating brunette.

—

Somehow, and quite suddenly, as Axel turned, intending to move in another direction, Riku found a green gaze crossing his own. For several beats, he felt like he was 15 once again, plagued with all of the teenage uncertainty and insecurities of the world, but in that instant, he finally understood the look in those wild eyes, as unsure and lost as his own. It was unnerving to hear the words fall so uncertainly from Axel’s lips, and even more so when Riku broke the gaze to step forward, taking the lead. Moments of weakness just weren’t Axel.

“Yea, I…I’m kind of hungry, actually. Haven’t had lunch yet. Secret Shack?” Riku asked, realizing that his feet was already guiding the two in the direction of their old favorite haunt—a dingy burger shack by the shore that served up the juiciest, greasiest, and most delicious burgers. He slowed, allowing Axel to fall into stride next to him, into the same rhythm the two had always swung by. Something felt off, however. Perhaps the two were trying too hard to play the same roles, fit into the same dynamics that they had outgrown, the same way they had outgrown their clothes. After years of silence, experiences and revelations unshared, it was impossible to simply slip back into their former skins. And so, Riku took a chance.

“I… I’ve kind of been wondering how you were, all this time. I thought about you often, wondered if you were still angry with me, and…” Riku had actually been trying to admit that he actually missed his old friend, but the words didn’t flow in that exact phrase. “…And, well. Things were just…different, without you around.” He finished with an awkward shrug.

Axel’s corresponding laugh was just as automatic as it was dry.  As they approached the restaurant door, he shot Riku a passing glance before looking away and into the narrow space of the diner in front of him.

“I shouldn’t have been mad at you in the first place.”

The admission was muttered, tone low as he shook his head minutely, spiked hair undulating with the movement just slightly.  Axel held the door just long enough to ensure Riku had a hold on it before letting go and making his way into the room.

The light was dim, and it took him a few moments to adjust his eyes to a space he hadn’t been in for a handful of years.  The rest of the Amato family tended to prefer pricier outings, and Axel had stepped into line without question as soon as he’d gotten out of high school.  Secret Shack, in all its dilapidated 70s decor glory, blatantly didn’t measure up enough to make his family’s exclusive list.

It was strange for him to be here, acting like no time had passed, like nothing had changed for either of them.  Riku was in college now though, busy with whatever it was college students did.  Axel couldn’t really say he knew anything about that type of lifestyle; no one in his family had ever been through college — unless, he supposed, Reno making the rounds at frat parties and getting the students of means hooked on whatever it was he was selling counted.  Axel had serious doubts that it did.

Now, as they both sat and placed their orders, Axel shrugged carefully out of his jacket, ran a hand through the front of his hair before looking up.

“I doubt I would’ve fit in at that fancy school of yours anyway,” he said, voice smooth with a bit of a sardonic undertone.  ”Surprised you haven’t seen Reno roaming around though…”

His last words were quieter, muttered almost under his breath.  If Riku didn’t know what he was hinting at, Axel would’ve been surprised.  Reno hadn’t exactly kept a low profile during high school.

As their lunch arrived, both fell silent for a time.  Axel ate, and as he did so he tried to decide if this entire situation was more uncomfortable than it was just simply awkward.  He hadn’t planned to run into Riku here, hadn’t anticipated how many memories and maddeningly unintelligible feelings it would force to the surface of his own mind.

This lack of control over his own emotions was infuriating, inexplicably shameful too.  Reno didn’t have these issues.  Tifa didn’t seem to either.  Him.  It was just, always, him.

Axel cleared his throat, looked up, eyes distant.  ”So…you still with that short guy from back in high school?”  Maybe he should’ve remembered names, but Axel hadn’t cared at the time.  He really wasn’t sure if he cared now either, but conversation was conversation.  Friends were friends.  Or at least they were supposed to be, if all those useless sentimental expressions actually turned out to be true.